Review: Saw VII (aka Saw 3D)

Saw finally (supposedly) bows out with the least amount of dignity and superficial conclusions I have ever seen in a long time.
Now I am not a fan of the Saw movies generally, but I stuck with them for two reasons. One, they have built a plotline from nothing and two, Jigsaw is an interesting character. So I was hoping for a conclusion that was somewhat clever or genuine, but I suppose I was too optimistic; the writers have become so blinded by their hack writing so far they forgot how to conclude it.
So in this "final chapter" we follow an author who supposedly survived one of the Jigsaw traps, and his bid to restore confidence in other survivors. Meanwhile, our two villains from the previous films seek to end their own battle.
The film is two parts for me. The story of the survivors, and their new lease of life, is fascinating; this is what Jigsaw's intention was, to show people the errors of their ways and renew themselves. However because this is a Saw film we can't just have that, we need another endless onslaught of traps and characters we don't know or care about.
I've talked about lack of characterisation killing Saw's torture scenes before, and here its only part of the problem. The real problem is how this final act completely cleanses itself of every development in the last six films with a tacked on "twist". There were ways to end this story with more dignity, even the twist could have worked had its inclusion not debunked everything that had happened previously!
Ultimately, this film proves the writers had no idea what they were shooting for; six films, that's nearly a day of footage (good god) to set that decent twist up... But no, they just admit that everything was completely pointless.

Additional Marshmallows: They couldn't even maintain their titles. I, II, III, IV, V, VI, 3D. Really, you really are that shallow huh. At least Lovefilm listed it at VII.

Review: Don't be Afraid of the Dark (2011)

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is quick to remind us that it is a retelling of a teleplay by Nigel McKeand, but is also a remake of a 1973 movie. Pleasantly however, this remake proves to be the right calibre of scares!
Any fan of Guillermo Del Toro will see the similarities to his other works, the film itself rests neatly between The Orphanage's haunted visuals, and the more magical, otherworldly elements of the superior Pan's Labyrinth.
The film starts by showing us it means business; a man is seen bringing a chisel to a woman's teeth! This is easily the goriest the film gets, but it sure does jolt the audience.
Years later, a father, working as a restoration official, moves into a newly renovated mansion with his daughter and his new partner. While the inquisitive young girl broods after her parents' divorce, she uncovers a dark secret within the house; a horde of small vicious creatures that can only survive in the dark.
The film played out like a classic haunted house movie, full of Gothic imagery, deep shadows, curving stairwells and enchanted gardens. While it may not bring many original ideas, it still brings a good scare here and there without too many cheap shots.
The acting from our protagonists is decent. Our young heroine proves to be independent in her actions and this is successfully maintained throughout, even as things become too much for her, you still believe it. Katie Holmes too gives a good performance, while Guy Pearce is positively irritating as a career blinded douche of a father!
The creatures themselves are enjoyably scary, keeping mostly to the dark initially allows for their CG reveal to be less awkward (cool trivia: Del Toro provides some of their voices).
Give it a watch, the film shows there's still plenty of life in the old Haunted House story.

Review: The Human Centipede - First Sequence

Well friends, family and welcomed viewers, I have sacrificed a small part of my mind to give you my impression of a film that has single-handedly defined a generation of movie goers' limitations... A film I was genuinely afraid of watching and took a day of mental preparation for.
What do I think? Surprisingly underwhelming... in a gross way.
I will get the worst part out of the way first: the premise. Two girls find themselves abducted (along with a very angry Japanese man) by a deranged German surgeon who has a sick fascination with "the human centipede"; a surgical experiment that links three or more people via their digestive tract... Yes, the film goes that far.
Now... my telling you this is really the worst thing about this movie, and will decide if you want to see it. The premise is unspeakably gross and inhuman, yet the film itself is... visually sparing of details. For example, I knew the worst aspect for me would be the "cutting of knee tendons, the removal of teeth and" errr... attachment. Yet this part is barely worse visually than any of the Saw movies. I'd probably say Saw is gorier to watch and personally Oldboy had a worst tooth-removal scene (and I love that film). The actual "centipede" is just weird to see, and the "connections" are obscured by bandages, sparing the viewer of the truly hideous visuals.
Do I therefore recommend it despite people's fear of it? Absolutely not. I wouldn't suggest anyone watch it without a very clear understanding of what's involved. The film is a mental barrage, it is quite poor in actual quality or storytelling; falling into typical slasher horror clichés. The two girls were pretty pathetic, while the surgeon had the only interesting presence.

And two cups of cocoa does not mean I liked it that much. It has two since its well... unusual and bold in its own sick way.

Review: Paranormal Activity 2

More things go bump in the night with this sequel that pleasantly surprised me!
I really enjoyed Paranormal Activity, a lot more than I expected and it became something of a cult movie in my mind, so when a sequel was announced (and without the original director) I was immediately sceptical. Add to the mix a bigger cast, bigger locations and multiple cameras... yeah, I was expecting a flop.
I really like films that have small casts and limited locations. Paranormal Activity 2 has whole family moving into a giant house: parents; a daughter; daughter's boyfriend; dog; baby; nanny and a menagerie of baby toys, all to be used to mess with our heads as an unseen spectre roams freely.
But while the expanded setting may dilute the eye-watering intensity the first film gave, here we do have a more believable setting. Gone is the douche running around with a camera all day, even the security cameras are explained reasonably well, and while we still aren't sure what jobs these people have to acquire such a place, it is somewhat explained and isn't as glaringly obvious even if it hadn't been.
The scares are still spine tingling, if a little predictable in light of the original's... well... originality. The use of sound is still excellent, and a gripping "Oh wait a second..." moment near the end properly joins the film with the original, which is near enough genius.
Surprisingly faithful, and a decent scare romp, though I think I still refer the fixed-camera from the first film; it racked up tension far, far more effectively.

And because you are awesome and reading my blog, I want to give you my old review of the first movie too! :)

Geez. I watched this at the right time of day, in the pitch dark and silence of night.
Now I didn't like this film's marketing campaign... theatres full of screaming, leaping Americans... so I was reserved but hopeful for a scare or two.
It starts out, like many do nowadays, with the usual hand-held amateur video theme. A young couple are experiencing strange events in their home, and decide to try and record them.
The setup was a little dodgy at times. I'd love to know what jobs these apparently jobless individuals have to own such a beautiful house! While the boyfriend is a complete douche; running around with a camera every second, regardless of his girlfriend's mounting anxieties. But, these are acceptable clichés as the film builds like an unrelenting storm.
The last... forty minutes are horribly suspenseful, each recorded night becomes more unbearable than the last. The film works incredibly well with little more than quiet sounds and subtle movements, often nothing happens at all for agonizing seconds, your eyes unable to tear away. The fixed camera perspective demands you watch things unfold.
Admittedly some will hate it, it is very much like The Blair Witch Project; it relies on suspense and builds tension without action, blood or gore.
I'm so glad I chose not to watch this in a cinema; it is best watched alone or with a friend/partner, in the dark of night.

Paranormal Activity 3 is already in production, am I concerned? A little bit. But I can see it working as a trilogy now, provided the final chapter is executed with extreme care. The sequel filled in a lot of gaps very nicely, hence the kudos I gave it, but a third part would have to be careful not to get singled out as being unnecessary or unbelievable.


Now... I am going to try and sleep...

Banter: I don't hate *everything* related to Saw

A great little video uploaded by VersusTvigle. You should check out their other videos, but I think this is a great idea for a Saw film!


(also, I thought the first Saw film was the best of the bunch)

Review: Saw VI

So it's that time again.
Admittedly I saw the end of Saw 6 while I worked at the cinema, but, if you can't see were Saw's narrative structure leads then you've obviously not seen many films...
So the legacy of Jigsaw's morally grey-area murders continues, now with two equally sick minded practitioners attempting to continue it. Jigsaw's widow, intent on finishing his dying wishes, and a corrupt cop who we met in the previous instalments.
While Saw 6 most definitely feels like the franchise is running out of steam, especially with Jigsaw's insane ability to predict several people's motives over a lengthy time frame (months, years?). They did establish, very briefly, that that is what he does... but... there's a limit being breached now.
But unlike some of the previous Saw films, six at least tries to make you feel some connection with the victims, this time Jigsaw's medical insurance company who had unfairly judged the man himself (while he was alive, of course). What bothers me is... why didn't Jigsaw go after these people first??
Otherwise, yeah people die bloody deaths etc, it looks and acts the same as the previous films, and I am just waiting for the day I run out Saws to watch.

Review: Rubber

You know... sometimes as a reviewer a film comes along and challenges your ability to think and write cohesively because what was witnessed was so completely random.
Rubber, follows a sentient killer psychic tyre, that wakes up in the American scrub-lands only to start popping small animals and people's heads. Believe it or not people, this is the part that makes sense! 
The film begins with a desert road covered in chairs, and a man holding fistfuls of binoculars. A car drives and hits every chair before stopping, only for a sheriff to climb out of the boot and begin to explain to an audience of people watching, the things in life that have "no reason" for happening. 
Yes... this film is self-aware of its oddity, and what proceeds is a weird snuff movie with an audience watching through binoculars and a sheriff who thinks he knows why everything's happening.
It isn't horror, as it prefers to be bewildering or straight up comical. Gory yes, but the film moves at a gentle, sombre pace and actually has some decent photography of dusty, wide landscapes (and regular framing of circular objects).
I... don't even know how to rate this; its self-awareness and humour saves it from being hopeless, but... what even is it?? I didn't think much of it, but I didn't exactly hate it either.
"Wait, it isn't the end; its been resurrected as a tricycle!!" - I never thought I'd hear that spoken.