Review: Godzilla (2014)

Like some overzealous knee-jerk reaction to the campy, indulgent movie disaster Gozilla '98, director Gareth Edwards brings us one of the most infuriatingly tedious and disappointing monster movies since his own Monsters in 2010.

An organism as old as the dinosaurs has grown into monstrous size and devastates a nuclear reactor in Japan. Fifteen years later scientist Ichiro Serizawa (Ken Watanabe) teams up with a nuclear physicist who lost his wife in the attack on Japan, both uncover a monstrous egg which soon hatches. The insect-like creature craves radioactive material, and while the military struggle to stop its global tirade Serizawa believes a more ancient power, known only as Gojira, can stop it.

On paper, this sounds amazing. In the trailers, it looks amazing. In director Gareth Edwards' execution....... it feels like all of the worst cliche elements of blockbuster films combined into a laborious slog.
To get the best bits out of the way first because its easier, the film has great photography. The atmosphere is intimidating, almost everything is shown from ground level to give a sense of scale, shots are well framed, I like the monster designs. Those parts of the trailer, the halo-jump and the monster? Those are great! (shame you've already seen those in the trailer...)

Literally beyond the shots in the trailer, there is little, little else. Let's start by saying this is not a remake of 1954's Gojira (and no it is not a sequel to the 1998 film!) it is its own creation. Godzilla himself is an existing creature of Japanese legend, Doctor Serizawa perked my interest at first, but there is no connection to the 1954 film; it is just a name drop.
Now onto the major problems. We are here to see Godzilla aren't we. Well, tough. All those bits in the trailer? Yeah, that's your lot, near enough. The entire film is centred around our human characters Aaron-Taylor Johnson's Ford Brody, an army bomb disposal expert and Watanabe's Dr. Serizawa, weighed heavily towards Ford and his army colleagues as they struggle to deal with the giant monsters.
Enter a lot of hoo-hah; military focused action where the monsters aren't even involved. The film dedicates entire sequences to securing a bridge to cross, or arming a bomb, or pushing a boat out from a pier! No monsters! What's worse, this military seems to ignore logic as much as they did in the 98 film, I kid you not! The new monsters (not Godzilla) emit an EMP field, all electronics die immediately within a wide proximity. By the finale of the film the military are STILL sending aircraft into the area! What happens? Buildings are destroyed as fighter planes crash into them. No s*** Sherlock!
And that's only the tip of the iceberg of nonsense this film pulls. For a giant, lumbering and surprisingly fat Godzilla he sure can sneak up on people! Scenes are constantly set up for suspense, even after the monsters are revealed to be towering colossals. No, you can't and shouldn't be playing the suspense card over and over in a kaiju movie, it doesn't work!
Not convinced yet? Here's the real issue. While we are forever chained to our human characters and their distinctly unorthadox melodramas ("I need to get on that train to get back to my family!" He then instead continues to take train so he can face off with the monsters and a nuclear bomb) the film deprives us of seeing the monsters! In a monster movie, in a Godzilla movie, we hardly see them battling until the last ten minutes; the film shyly cuts away whenever a battle begins! Not once, not even twice but several times, all for the sake of following humans as they run away.
WHAT?

I've gone on a lot, but this film's apparent reluctance to show the monsters was infuriating, making its two hour runtime feel like an eternity. This needed some of Pacific Rim's spectacle, some of Michael Bay's frenzy (yes, I just said that) some logic from its human characters to make their cause even remotely important!

There was so much promise in the trailer, there was promise at the start of the film, but no, you'll find your suspension of anticipation worn out with melodrama and a endless line of teasing! If you aren't asleep by the end, you will probably be smirking as the film missteps and trips over its own feet.

So ask me, go on: Is it worse than the 1998 film??
I'll be honest, there are things that even that pile of nonsense does better but, I prefer this film for its atmosphere and its (misguided) respect for the original material.

Oh, and a life tip: When giant monsters attack and your husband is right in the middle of it, you should leave your phone in the other room so you can't hear it when he calls. If you think you should hold onto it for dear life and pray he isn't dead, you'd be wrong.

Additional Marshmallows: You might be wondering, "Cocoa, you didn't mention Breaking Bad's Bryan Cranston at all!? What's wrong with you?"
There's a reason for that. Don't get too invested in his character. That's all I'll say...