Review: Battleship

Battleship? More like a Sub...
...with ham and cheese!
Am I right?

Following the success of the Transformers film franchise, Hasbro runs its finger down the index of toy licenses they own and inexplicably land on the Battleship board game. The film follows a young man drafted into the Navy in a bid to get his act together and win the confidence of an Admiral whose daughter he has hopes to marry.
But during a Naval military training exercise, aliens attack!

This is an overlong, noisy and emotionless experience that has had way too much money thrown at it, but let's go into the positives first, lest this turn into a rant (which it will anyway)
As bad as it is, and as cheesy as it is, at least the film is self-aware that it has no credibility and doesn't even try. The special effects are very impressive in most areas, the alien designs are good (even though they look like numerous existing video game concepts) and the basic idea of the film isn't bad. Unfortunately it is blown way out of proportion and loses all credibility.

Now am I suggesting there was a better film adaptation of Battleship that hasn't been made? Yes, I actually am. (I surprise myself sometimes...) I am fine with several ships being locked in a contrived scenario against alien ships and resorting to Naval tactics and quick thinking to save the day. That's a small, intense situation; stuck on a boat against overwhelming odds.
But no, Battleship wastes time with either hammed up goofball antics or ham-fisted sincerity. We have our lead's girlfriend hiking around Hawaii with a double leg amputee in bid to restore his confidence, we have jocks playing football, we have computer geeks being socially weird, and later we have the lead cast hire a load of OAP Navy veterans to man an out of commission Battleship to win the day.
Now... I feel bad for saying this, but the "Booyah, America; we never back down!" vibe makes these otherwise sensitive and heartfelt scenarios (amputees and war veterans) a little silly. Especially when your film opens with your lead breaking into a grocery store to steal a chicken burrito to the sounds of the Pink Panther theme.
Yes, that happens.
Even having giant metal alien bowling balls smashing around cities and freeways, miles away from the ocean, has little to nothing to do with anything. All it does is waste time, waste money and make trailer-fodder. Why couldn't we have just had ships trapped at sea, fighting each other? Why do we need a girlfriend and an amputee subplot, why do we need computer nerds quoting ET, why do we need a tired romance subplot that gets completely sidelined by ocean battles?

Make things short, concise and clever! Not bigger, dumber and noisier!

It is a popcorn movie; it is loud and stupid and has no elements to warrant any real praise other than flashy special effects. If you want to waste some time, go for it, but you might find you've wasted too much time.

Additional Marshmallows: My argument for less-is-more would be perfectly described if I could only find the original, initial teaser trailer Battleship had. All it showed was Neeson on his ship's bridge, the energy shield locking off a section of ocean, battleships and alien ships facing off. That was it, and you know something? When I saw that trailer, I thought the film looked excellent!
Then the full trailer came out.

Review: John Carter

Widely regarded as Disney's biggest and worst flop in recent memory, yet I actually found it very entertaining despite its CG heaviness.

Based off the classic and highly influential novel "A Princess of Mars" by Edgar Rice Burroughs (writer of the original Tarzan) this story tells of John Carter, a Civil War veteran who is transported out from battling Apache Native Americans to the surface of Mars. Once there he finds another civil war raging, involving two factions of human-like beings, a tribal race of quadruple-armed aliens, and mysterious demigods who influence these people's futures.
He finds he is naturally gifted with near super human strength due to Mars' lesser gravity and his stronger muscles, allowing him to leap tremendous distances. Carter befriends the 12-foot tall tribal Thark aliens and must quickly defend a princess and her honour to save the inhabitants from a tyrant.

This film is loaded with extraordinary, exotic and otherworldly visuals, and is certainly a unique specimen in science fiction, and one can argue that the story would not have been possible to interpret before the advent of computer generated graphics. Part of me winces at the "Star Wars Prequels" level of CG being used... but then... this isn't Star Wars, there's no history to unsettle. That, and John Carter is genuinely a fun film to watch, and is surprisingly violent! Pretty sure I caught a few arms and heads being sliced clean off!
I grew to like the Tharks through their strange relationship upon finding Carter; there's a montage of how they initially treat him (like one of their infants) which is pretty hilarious. The film's sense of humour is incredibly important and saves it from becoming a slog of meaningless jargon. The CG animation of the Tharks themselves is well done, good enough to feel some emotional connection with them.

We even have a strong female character, Princess Dejah is not only introduced to us as an inventor, but can also hold her own in a fight when she has to. Of course there's no shortage of Carter leaping through the air to save her either.
It is a rapid film; it barely stops for breath as it batters through all the lore and social structures that revolve around Mars, the action sequences are plenty, and we have to explain who Carter is, where he came from and where his loyalties lie: back on Earth, or on Mars? All of this leaves little room for villains, who are nondescript antagonists used to push the plot forward.

It is instantly recommended to anyone who is a fan of action sci-fi, while I would like to suggest it to all others. The film was poorly advertised and was let down by poor PR; the film bombed despite it being as entertaining as other Disney live-action adventures. It is sad to think there will likely be no continuation.

Additional Marshmallows: Effectively this film has one of the longest times in development, roughly 79 years, going through multiple titles and iterations, directors and casting choices. 

Will Disney use this much CG effects with the new Star Wars trilogy? Most likely. But hopefully like John Carter they can give a fuller script and story to the proceedings.